Ted Talk: I am a girl

I am a girl.  - Aren’t I? I have long hair, I have eyes, I have a nose, I have a mouth. I wear clothes, I wear pants, maybe I wear a dress sometimes and wants to wear high heels. I wear glasses, but I don’t wear them because they make me look smart. Wait, but I’m Asian, so I have to be smart; maybe it doesn’t matter if I have my glasses or not. I put my hair down, and wear lipstick because that’s the alluring asset that lets me fit in with the media’s beauty standard. Speaking of which, I have to make sure I buy the lightest shade of foundation to get the perfect pearl white skin. I can’t wear hoodies because that would make me a tomboy, I can’t wear sneakers because that means I am not trying hard enough. I know how to drive I am probably a bad driver, and possibly because I am Asian? – Let’s think about all I just said for a moment. (pause)

            Yes, I am an Asian girl, or as media always calls us. We are never categorized as women. Now, don’t start telling me that girl and women are the same – they’re not. Would you ever call a grown man a boy? No, you refer them as guys or men, but when someone accidentally refers a man as a boy, everyone gets offended. However, when a woman gets called a girl, it all becomes somewhat of an over reaction. I was rewatching old Disney Shows the other day with my sister. We were watching Jessie on Halloween. When a character told Luke that these girls were scared to go to the Haunted House, Luke was offended to be a girl. I stared at the screen. Why is being called a girl so offensive? We’re human. We’re a person. We’re not weak, I kid you not. Some GIRLS are actually more courageous than other boys. Oh wait, I meant men.  Now, don’t get me wrong, not all people are sexist, or racist, but I was always under the impression that my identity was formed around the fact that I was a female, an ASIAN female. Just that some majority of the people are clueless about me, about the general Asian, clueless as in I don’t understand why you’re not “me”, or in my case why am I not white.

Maybe it’s because I am Asian. See, I look at the ads, and I see a white person here (points) here (point) and here (points) wait, there’s an Asian there. Whoops. (That was a joke by the way) I searched up Asian women in ads, and I barely found any.. Which makes me wonder, where are the rest of us? We’re people and we live in America, but why are we so underrepresented? The misrepresentation of women in Hollywood is already a known issue, but women, and women of color gets so stereotyped that it becomes frightening. What makes us different from others? When do we realize we are of a specific race?

            I was born in the United States but my parents brought me back to live in another country literally as soon as I was born. I flew back to the United States by myself when I was young. I was not welcomed with open arms like others would expect. Instead I roamed around the whole airport by myself looking for a person that I have never met by name. My relatives didn’t care much about me because I was a little girl that came from Hong Kong, so they immediately deemed me as a child who would be a shame to the whole family and wouldn’t be successful. My cousins despised and belittled me because they were allowed to – meaning, because I didn’t understand English they would purposely single me out. My cousins were all male, by the way. I was a girl who loved the sports they did and I always wanted to join them, but all I remember were the words, “You’re a girl who doesn’t speak English, you can’t play with us.” In their broken Chinese. At least they tried. I desperately wanted to fit in, I desperately wanted to show them I can do everything they can, but I couldn’t scrap the words out of my mouth. My parents weren’t in the US yet, and I desperately wanted someone to be there. There was no room for me, so I slept on the floor of my grandparent’s room. I didn’t sleep for days sometimes, all I did was cry to myself. But being of Asian American decent, I was expected to be quiet at home first and because I was a girl. Crying to sleep, sometimes I would wonder, why did my parents bring me here?” I thought this was a vocation. When the week was over, I just wanted to vent out, to speak out.. just to be free.

            But that’s not how it works. My cousins lived here since they were born. They had already adopted the culture, in fact they were only exposed to one culture, the media. What ever they see on TV, and whatever the misogynistic past generation has taught them, it was embedded in their heads. So because I was the perfect target, not knowing English at all, I was the one they hated. As an Asian woman living in America, wherever I go, whatever I do, I will always be criticized. I will always be “not good enough” or “I don’t belong here” Then, the stereotypes that they’ve “learned” over the years are thrown at me, like those of being an Asian female driver. Even then, I don’t know what it means. Did you just describe how I look by obviously physically seeing that I am in fact Asian and Female? I’m not offended, but I have to ask. “At what point would people grasp and apprehend the idea that race and sex issue are controversial?” The innocent, yet striking questions that still surround my identity continues forever. 

             When people ask me, “Where are you from?” I say, “America.” “No where are you really from?” “New York.” After that, people just walk away. Truth is though, I am American. I was born in America, I speak English pretty well with an accent not easily detected. I just lived in different countries when I was young. But my life is surrounded by people who keep reassuring me that I’m not American, and the fact that I don’t belong here. Little words that were supposedly said to put me in my place were words that I will forever remember. Mm, maybe it’s easier said this way. I had to understand that I was Asian because I already knew that I was a girl all my life. And because of this, I decided to ask 3 women of color that live in 3 different countries the same question: “When did you realize you were Asian?”

            My first friend from Hong Kong, 18, was so confused. She said “Why are you asking?” And I replied with “Just answer me.” And she responded, “I have always been a Hong Kong person. What answer were you expecting?” She was confused.  Living in Hong Kong basically all her life, she identified as a Hong Kong woman.

Go onto the second scenario, I asked my friend from Korea, 25, and becoming a lawyer Oh, woman of Power. How shocking. I’m guessing she might have a little bit more of the story. And I was right! I asked the same question. Her answer.. wasn’t exactly similar to my friend from Hong Kong, but rather, she knew she was Korean when she attended school. She said “Here in Korea, there were already some foreigners especially in my age around me.. so.. I didn’t really learn that I’m Korean, but rather I learned that I lived in Korea and there are other countries. They look different and they speak different. I don’t remember the exact moment I realized this, but I knew all of us were Korean.” So basically, she just accepted them as her friends and peers.

And in the last one, I asked my good friend the same question, 21, lives in America, and her answer as you see it “When I was 4 and capable of actual thought and comprehension the moment I came back to Peru from China after Peruvians called me Chinita.” was something that I was not too surprised to hear. The situation is similar, just the countries were different. We weren’t too accepted by our peers, by that I meant non-Asians, so I decided to become Americanized. Or as Chinese people call it ABC, American Born Chinese which comes off as an insult from older generations. However, the more I became “Americanized” the more popular I became. I was liked more, because my “personality”, the conformity of popular American norm, deviated from their expectations. I was confronted by a classmate saying that “Jessica, you’re so ghetto, that’s why I like you.” I looked confused. She noticed and she reassured me “Oh, haha it’s because all the Asians I know are quiet.” Either way, I was happy and I became more confident that I was accepted because I knew I was similar to the American norm.

            But, going back to the second photo. My friend said that she noticed that those around her, even though they looked different from her, those people were Korean because they LIVE in korea. Doesn’t the same concept apply here? We, Asian American females especially, get judged and criticized on. This is no longer a story, a list of questions, but rather just a jigsaw puzzle. Perhaps it may be history trying to crush us, but our memories from experiences are more important books, because what’s said in books about us are not our lives. Instead of realistic stories, we usually see the depiction of the false representation of an Asian American women, but a destructive one. Media has managed to paint a picture of a small percentage of Asian women, and make it represent an entire Continent. Or it takes the positive characteristics, like the fact that Asian women can be strong and visceral, but portray it in a negative way. For example, Tiger mom – the image of a strict cruel Asian mother who lacks room for depth and emotion just so their children could succeed. But, it cuts out all the heritage, roots, and struggles the mother goes through to reach acceptance in a different country.

            My mom always told me “They have eyes, they have a nose, they have a mouth. Why are you scared of them?” The questions still sticks now, even though I clearly could communicate with non-asians in the room. But I want to be loud because I can, not pressured by those around me saying I can’t. If I don’t stay loud, the misrepresentation and underrepresentation of Asian American women in media will stay silently known. It’s easy to say “It’s just a movie.” Or “It’s just a joke.” But, so much of art reflects on reality. If you consume media, the same stereotypes will just be repetitive. Slowly you would begin to believe those stereotypes are true, since you’ve been seeing it so many times. Ever stereotyped Asian American women representation pulls us back to the simplicity of our culture. And as a result, it just gives a false picture to those who don’t know any better. Then, it will make it difficult for those who need to find their identity and realize who they are. Asian Americans aren’t taught to be proud of who they are. If I stayed in America, I would have felt less proud to be Asian. And had I stayed in Asia, I would feel less proud to be American.

            Yet, the truth is I am Asian but not Asian enough to be accepted in Hong Kong or Korea. I am American, but not American enough for others to realize it. I am a woman, but people still call me a girl. I am not similar enough to be accepted and we’re not different enough for people to understand. But, it doesn’t matter, because I am Jessica and this is who I am.

            

Slides

I am interested in creating a TedTalk event! Maybe I can actually present this in the near future!